


Polaris

by Flower_Sunset



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2019-10-31 12:26:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17849468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flower_Sunset/pseuds/Flower_Sunset
Summary: Season three through Eliotts eyes.





	1. I don’t even know him

**Author's Note:**

> I just had too write this one. Eliot has captured my heart and soul and I think his story has to be told. 
> 
> A thanks to @skamsnake , @nattergal, @irisS, @queen T and @blue_moonchild for reading this throug. You guys are awesome ❤️ 
> 
> Tags will be added 🙈

I’m standing in front of the gates, waiting. This is the scariest thing I’ve done in ages. The hood is pooled over my head for protection. I’m hoping to just blend in. Doesn't like it when everybody stares at me, actually I hate it. When you’re the new guy, that’s what happens. A whole lot of staring. It feels like they know every bad decision I’ve made. Like they know just by looking at me. Is it even possible to blend in? What if they know? What if someone knows my story? I can feel my heart racing inside my chest. Maybe it’s written all over me, like I’m an open book. I’m really not very good at hiding my feelings, they’re on the outside. Everybody knows who I am just by looking at me. I’m having a hard time breathing, it feels like something’s blocking my airways. Everything in my body screams; Stop! Turn back! Should I listen? Would I be better off not attending? Even though I want to finish school and graduate, this fucking scares the living shit out of me.

Lucille wanted me to go back to our old school, didn’t understand my need for change. Everybody at my old school knew… Knew everything. Lucille thought that would be a positive thing, I didn’t agree. I hated that everyone knew. Hated it! 

The gard opens the grid, I can hear the metal sound even though I’m listening to music.

«Over and over we climb  
And over and over we fall  
When all of the time I was standing right here  
Where did I go wrong?  
And how did I get it right?  
Maybe none of it matters right here»

With every step I take, I notice students looking at me. Staring! Fuck! This is what I hate. The fucking attention. They’re probably wondering who the new guy is, and what he’s doing at their school. Why would anyone want to change school right before graduating? That’s not how people normally do it! I pull my jacket closer, wanting to hide. Hate it when I’m the center of attention. I feel like finding a dark place to hide. All alone, in the darkness. Then nobody would look at me, nobody would even know I exist. I’d just be all alone. In the dark.

Something pulls me out of my thoughts. I almost lose my foothold, someone bumps into me. I take a couple of steps forward before turning my head. My whole body tenses. It feels like my heart stops. I’m holding my breath, hoping he’ll look back. Everyone else just fades away. It feels like we’re the only two people in the hallway. In the world. Me and him. This beautiful boy with the big smile and a whole lot of attitude. I love how he interacts with his friends. Talking. Laughing. He looks so happy, in place and in peace. That's how I want to feel. That's who I want do be with. Him!

I breathe, deeply. All the way down to my stomach. Hold my breath. I feel how my face turns red before I release the air. Try to calm myself down. No one has ever affected me like this before, or at least not since… Since… I shake my head. I don’t want to think about that now. I want to think happy thoughts. I want to think about that boy! I raise my hand, caress my lips with my fingers. Wondering… How would it feel, kissing his lips? How would my body react to his touch? I can feel my skin tingle. Every sense heightened. I feel every bit of my body. It’s really intense, making me feel confused. I’m still in love with Lucille. Right? I can’t like this boy that way. I can’t fall in love just by looking at him. I don’t even know him!


	2. Weird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliott and Lucas finally meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like the way skam (France) tells Eliotts story. And both Eliott and Lucas are cute as hell, I just love following their journey.
> 
> Thanks to @skamsnake and @nattergal for reading and giving me feedback, you guys are amazing ❤️
> 
> And @irisS, @blue_moonlchild and @QueenT thanks for all the support 😘

I’m leaning back in my bed, my eyes are closed. My mouth is half open. I feel her hands playing with the hair on my stomach. Lazy movements, not really sexual. Just cuddling. 

“I really like my new school.”

I can feel her eyes on me, her hands stops for a second. Like if she wants to say something, but she doesn't finish.

“Really?”

My thoughts wander off, thinking of a boy. The cutest boy I’ve ever seen. I want to bury my hands in his hair, just cuddle his cute neck. I feel my cheeks turning red just by the thought of him. Hoping Lucille won’t understand what’s going on with me.

“Yeah… I really like the school. I think it’s going to be good for me.”

I can see she’s skeptical, searching my face. Like if she knows that I’m hiding something. 

“Any cute girls?”

I shake my head, wanting to reassure her. 

“Nope! No girls can measure up to you babe.”

My hands start cuddling her hair, I bend forward. Pulling her closer, kissing her with all the passion I’ve got. Don’t want to think about the boy who’s occupying my thoughts. I just want to be here, with her. Remember why she’s so good for me. Remember why I love her. 

***

I can feel myself getting angry, I really don’t understand why Lucille doesn’t like it when I finally get involved in a student activity. It’s like she knows. Knows that I’m there for other reasons than those I say. I can feel her eyes on me when I tell her. 

“Are you sure you’re not slipping?”

I hate it when she starts questioning my sanity. I really hate it! She knows better than to do that. 

“That’s really low Lucille!”

I can hear the hardness in my voice, I’m angry, this isn’t okay. I can see the shame in her eyes. She knows that she overstepped my boundaries. She knows! Her mouth opens, like if she wants to say something. But I’m not interested in hearing what she has to say. I grab my jacket and run out the door. 

I can hear her calling my name, but I don’t stop. I don’t need this right now. I’m gonna go to the fucking meeting and I’m gonna have fun. My feet feels like jello when I run out the door. My heart’s racing and I know this is the beginning of something new, or at least I hope it can be. I’ve overheard that Lucas and his friends are gonna attend the meeting, but I wouldn’t admit to anybody that’s why I’m attending. I can feel the heat in my cheeks, know they’re probably turning bright red. I drag my hand through my hair, hope that I look okay. I feel so silly thinking like that. I don’t even know if he’s into boys. I don’t know shit about him. He doesn't even know I exist.

***

My heart races like crazy when I walk into the common room. My eyes automatically fall on him, Lucas. I can feel his eyes on me too, finally. I’ve been trying to get his attention for ages now. Damn he’s hot. I have to restrain myself. Can’t keep looking at him, people would probably notice. And I really don’t want that kind of attention. I don’t want any attention, at all. 

I occupy myself with the survey, trying not to stare at him. I can hear him having fun with his mates. I love the way they interact, they’re so fucking cute. Or… He’s cute...

After the meeting I feel discouraged, why didn’t I talk to him? I could at least have introduced myself, right? And now we‘re back to square one. He doesn't know who I am. I keep staring at the vending machine, can’t decide what to get. My fingers are touching my lips, I can feel my tongue moving inside my mouth. I wouldn’t mind using my tongue on Lucas… jeez I’ve gotta pull myself together or I’m gonna get a hardon right here at the bus station. That’s not okay, at all. 

Suddenly it feels like someone’s standing right behind me. My heart almost stops when I see him. I’m trying to play it cool. He must have seen me and walked over, is it possible that he likes me to?

“Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there.”

I can feel my body tense up, I hate and love having him this close. I can’t help but feel weak, he just makes me all soft inside. I hope that I’m able to hide that from him, hope that I’m not that transparent. 

“I… I’m not sure what to get.”

I cold facepalm myself, why did I say that? Couldn’t I’ve said something cooler, something that would make an impression. 

“Nr 24 isn’t bad.”

“OK”

He’s so cute, I can feel my body tingle. It almost feels like he’s touching me. That’s how much he’s affecting me. I can feel his eyes on me the whole time, making me do this stupid stunt. Buying the last two bars.

“Shit. Did you want one?”

I can feel my heart racing in my chest. Trying to stay calm. He’s so cute not knowing what to answer.

“Well, good thing it’s for the both of us then.”

I start walking while pulling out the joint. Hoping he’ll follow me.

“Are you coming?”

I kind of wanna test his interest, and sure thing he’s following me. I have this tingling feeling inside my chest. Like small bubbles moving around, popping. He’s so fucking adorable. You have to say something cool now, Eliott. 

“That meeting was weird, right?”

OMG! This is going from bad to worse, why do I say stuff like that?

“Yeah, it was weird. Her survey too, did you get that?”

I’m smiling at him, I know I can’t hide how happy I am right now. He’s talking to me. ME!

“Yeah, but it’s important.”

I look into his eyes, he looks confused.

“The survey?”

 

“No.. not the survey… the common room… everything… it’s cool. It’s a good opportunity to meet new people.”

Like you. I can meet new people like you, Lucas.

“You’re new?”

“Yeah, I got here three weeks ago. Third year literature.”

“Isn’t it a bit weird to go here just 5 months before graduation?”

I can feel the darkness in my mind, every bad thought is coming to the surface. What if he doesn’t want a damaged boy? What if… I stop myself, try to shake it off. Try to be positive. He’s smiling, it doesn't look like he thinks I’m that weird.

“That’s weird too? Everything’s weird with you!”

“I must be weird too then?”

“That’s not what I meant at all!”

“What did you mean?”

“I just meant…”

What the fuck? Just my luck, something had to happen. A girl rudely interrupts us. Didn’t she see that we were talking? Why does it look like the two of them know each other? Are they together? He really did seem interested, was it only an act? I feel like going “blah, blah, blah…” instead I answer polite to every question, and talk to this girl. This girl who clearly is interested in him. I feel like there’s a brick of tails laid on my shoulders. Every move I make is really hard. My hands feel like they weigh a ton. She’s introducing herself as Chloé. I really hate Chloé right now. She’s what’s standing between me and that gorgeous boy over there. 

“I’m Eliott.”

 

My eyes can’t stop looking at Lucas even though I’m talking to her. He’s looking right back at me, he’s looking just as uncomfortable as I feel. It’s important to me that he knows my name.

***

I’m sitting in my room, smiling. Even though we were interrupted by that girl, I talked to Lucas today. I can’t stop smiling, I wouldn’t be able even if I wanted to. I’m drawing a picture of a chocolate bar “chelou”, I feel like every sense is heightened. I can feel my heart just by sitting still. Weird…


	3. Corny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... Eliott and Lucas spend some time together at his apartment. This is «mekke øl» threw Eliotts eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really in love with this version of Evak. Skam-France did good. I’m feeling everything so much. This is how I think “mekke øl” ala France looks like threw Eliotts eyes. Enjoy ❤️
> 
> A thanks to @skamsnake , @nattergal, @irisS, @queen T and @blue_moonchild for reading this throug. And giving me feedback. You guys are awesome ❤️
> 
> Tags will be added 🙈

I’m standing in front of the mirror, trying to calm myself. I hate all of these conflicting feelings. I really do love Lucille, don’t I? She’s been there for me through all the rough parts of my life. She’s been the rock. She’s really lovely. But is it love or just affection. Maybe she’s more like a friend now. Maybe we’ve grown apart. My stomach clenches, these feelings make me sick. I just want everything to be like before. Before I meet him. I can’t stop thinking about him, his lively wild hair. His kissable lips. My hands hide my face, I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I’m lost, it’s like my brain’s not connected to the rest of me. I do love Lucille and not him. Right? But, why am I thinking of him then? Why do I get butterflies in my stomach while thinking of him. I can see that I start smiling when I think of him, he’s making me all gooey inside. I’m not ashamed of who I am! I like both girls and boys, always have. But that doesn’t make this any easier.

“Eliott!”

My mother’s calling for me, she probably thinks I spent a little too long in the bathroom. Like Lucille she gets worried really fast, a little outburst from me and she’s all “Is everything ok?” “Have you taken your meds?”

“Yeah mum, I’m coming!”

I can see it in her eyes, she’s worried. I have to show her I'm okay. That I’m not losing it. I’ll just say it, talk about it with her. Maybe explain some of it. So that she can relax.

“I can see that you’re worried, mum. But it’s hard starting over. It’s not easy making new friends. And actually attending school, doing my homework and spend enough time with Lucille.”

I meet her eyes, and they’re full of love. She smiles that smile, that only a mother can smile. That smile that makes everything okay. She looks more relaxed now, like she understands why I’m a bit restless.

“That’s good Eliott. But promise to talk to me if something comes up, you know?”

 

«I promise!»

 

My hand is shaking a bit as I press share. The drawing from polaris, the hands touching. It’s all I want for me and Lucas. And if he ever finds me, he will know. He will understand that that’s what I want.

***

I’m walking fast, have to take the bus home. Want to have some time to myself before the date. Me and Lucille decided we have to spend some time together, like before. Dating! Or, she decided. I really don’t know what I want right now. I’ve got all these conflicting feelings and everything is just kind a fucked up. My eyes catch someone sitting on the bus station, can it be? My heart starts to race, I get a little nervous. I have to talk to him. I have to!

I try to get his attention, but he’s kind a busy texting someone. 

“Fuck you scared me!”

He smiles to me, that gorgeous smile that could melt any cold heart. Damn he’s beautiful. He asks me if I’m going home, I just have to tease him.

“Okay, you’re going straight to the personal questions.”

“I…”

“I’m kidding Lucas.”

We laugh, the both of us. Talking comes so easy with him. Like we know each other. I ask him what’s on his mind, cause he looks kind of stressed. He’s out of money and need to buy beer for a party. I offer to help, I’ve got lots of beer in my fridge if he’s interested. He’s just got to come home with me. 

“You think it’s weird.”

I love the smile he gives me, he looks like he’s both fascinated and confused. I like that he hasn't figured me out jet. I like being kind of a mystery. 

“Are you coming?”

I walk into the bus, not looking back. I just know that he’s following me.

***

I invite him in while finding the beer. Hope that he’ll stay, for a little while at least. I can see that he’s settling down, it looks like he’s not in any hurry to get out. I just have to get him to stay for a bit longer.

“ A beer before the party?”

He smiles and nods. I can feel the tension releasing, he wants to stay. With me! He’s taking off his jacket and scarf, curiously looking around. Asking questions, really interested in my stuff. The first thing he points out is my drawings. My heart feels open, like I want him too see me. Or at least see what I want to tell him. 

“Is it a badger?”

He points at the picture of me. Well not exactly of me, but how I see myself. My spirit animal.

“Badger? No, it’s a Racoon…”

I find myself explaining to him what the drawing means to me. That it’s me. I’m the raccoon. And I’m maybe not as open as I’d like to be. Sometimes I hide, behind the mask. It’s safe and I don’t have to show people all of me. But Lucas kind of makes me want to take off the mask. Let him see all of me. That haven’t happened since Lucille an I first got together. My heart keeps pounding in my chest, I feel euphoric. 

“How would you draw me?”

He took me by surprise, I really don’t know how I see him yet. Maybe… No, I’m not sure. I have to wait and see, get to know him a little bit better. To see, to see who he is.

“It’s a shame we don’t have anything to smoke…”

A joint would make everything easier. Make us relax a bit, maybe?

“ It’s on me.”

He throws his stash over to me. Now we’re talking.

***

I get up, want to play some new music to him. It’s so much easier to talk to Lucas now that we’re smoking. I start looking through my records, wanting to surprise him, maybe even shock him.

“Let me guess.. A little Chopin?”

I turn around, looking at him.

“Em… nope… A good old jazz song!”

I pretend to be offended.

“A good old jazz song? Do I look corny?”

“No… But you look like an antique collector”

Now I really want to shake things up a bit. Like really make him understand that there’s more to me than meets the eye.

“Alright… Listen to this.”

I start to dance, like really dance. All in, no shame. I want him to see this side of me, all goofy and out there. He’s looking at me like I'm weird. Like I’ve shown him a part of me he didn't believe I had. And maybe he’s looking a bit surprised, like he’s impressed that I don’t mind acting a bit silly. 

“Do you like it?”

“It’s cool. But it’s not what I usually listen too.”

His eyes just pierce my heart. He’s giving so much of himself without even talking.

“Yeah.. What do you usually listen to then?”

“I don’t know, more rock’n’roll. Like Nirvana, The Stones, the Beatles The Clash!!”

I start to laugh, and I can see him smiling back at me. I just love getting to know this guy.

“And I’m the corny one?”

“I can put on Queen if you want.”

“No, it’s alright. I’m discovering new things.”

My heart nearly stops when he says that, I can feel my breath getting quicker. Damn he’s getting to me. Without even knowing it. I’m wrecked. 

***  
My head is leaning over towards Lucas, our heads almost touch. The music stopped a while ago, but I really don’t want to get up. It’s fucking amazing lying beside him in my bed. Maybe I can move a bit closer? 

“We have to change the record.”

“You don’t want to get up at all, do you?”

I can feel him looking at me. Like, staring! 

“Yeah, no. Right now, nada.”

He gets up, starts going through my records. Stops at my piano, he just stops. What's on his mind? He opens up the lid, testing if it works. Turning, looking straight at me. 

“Do you play?”

I start joking cause I do know how to play, but I’m not that good. My head’s leaning back on my pillow, and I feel sleepy. I guess the weeds clouding my head a bit. 

“Can I try?”

Well obviously I don’t mind him playing, I nod at him to start. He seems kind a new at it. He sits down and start to press the keys. Like, someone how’s just started playing.

“I’ve got a triangle if you want?”

He just laughs with me, keeps pressing down the keys like before. Kind a stagato. Then… then he speeds up. Like… he can fucking play the piano. My whole body feels like it’s about to stop. I’ve got to get up, just listen. Can’t just lay there, I have to get closer. It’s like he’s showing me a part of his soul. Like I’m getting to look deep inside him. And he’s so fucking gorgeous, like nothing I’ve ever seen. At this moment I know. I know I’m starting to fall in love. I know my heart belongs to him. I can’t stop smiling, it feels like I’m gonna burst. It’s unbelievable, he’s unbelievable. 

 

“That was crazy!”

“It’s not exactly Star Wars..”

“You’re surprising.”

He looks confused, like he’s really nervous. 

“I like people who are surprising.”

We both smile, it feels like the air is let out of the balloon. Like the tension is gone. My phone starts to vibrate.

“Fuck I’ve gotta go!”

He gets up, starts ranting about this party he’s gotta go to. No prob… This fucking sucks, I just want to hang with him. Lucille is now just a pain in my ass, so to speak. But I do keep my promises, so now I have to go.

“I’m meeting some friends…”

What? Why did I lie? No, I know why I lied and it’s tearing me apart. I shouldn’t hide her from him and I definitely shouldn't hide him from her. My consciousness is eating me up. But right now I need this to be a secret. My seacret. 

As I let him out the door, I can’t stop staring at him. He’s breathtaking. I just can’t stop myself, I don’t want to stop myself. I just have to touch him, just a bit. My hand barely touches his hair and it sends out a tingling feeling from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. It’s like I’m on fire, it’s taking over my hole body. It consumes me.

 

***

I feel restless, can’t sit still. Everything after Lucas left yesterday is a blur. I felt like I was somewhere else during the date, like I wasn’t even thee. Almost like an out of body experience. I walk over to the piano, still can’t believe it. Can’t believe the way Lucas played, and how he captured my heart. If he lets me, I’ll be his forever. I’ll let him have my body and soul, I’ll let him have all of me. I want him to understand how I feel, even if he can’t now. I want him to know when I fell in love, what I fell in love with. I draw a picture of a piano, for everybody else it would be just that. A piano. For him, it will be everything. It will tell him everything. Maybe one day he’ll discover my account and then he’ll know. He’ll know just the way I feel.


	4. Not necessarily a girl, though

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is «bånder» threw Eliotts eyes. This is one of my favourite episodes in OG skam, and I think that Skam France can measure up❤️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we go! This is one of my favourite episodes on OG Skam❤️ And Frace did good.
> 
> Hope you’ll enjoy this onr❤️
> 
> Thanks to @irisS, @nattergal and @skamsnake for feedback on this one ❤️ Love you big time ❤️

I’m sitting in my bed, holding his scarf. I’m holding it up to my nose, it smells like him. Fuck, I really want him to be her. With me, now. I miss lying in bed beside him, talking. Smoking and listening to him play. I’m turning up the music, listening to the same song over and over. 

“Lone wolf”

That song just makes me happy, it always has. But now it’s double the happiness. Both a good song and a reminder of Lucas. I still cringe thinking of me dancing, but at least he got to see all of me. Over the top, goofy, Eliott. I wonder what his thoughts are, what does he think of me? I wonder if he kinda likes me back. My heart races just thinking of him and I can feel my cheeks getting hot. I lean back, closing my eyes while lifting the scarf to my nose. Listening to the song one more time. Just one more time. 

***

I didn’t really want to give him his scarf back, but then again it’s an excuse to talk to him. Cause it’s so fucking scary to just walk over to him and start talking. It scares the living shit out of me. Everything was so much easier on Friday, when it was just the two of us. That’s when everything clicked, that’s when I knew. Knew that he’s the one. 

My hands are holding onto the scarf, really hard. I’m gonna go over to him now. I’m staring at my feet, they kinda don’t want to move, like they’re glued to the ground. I breathe in to calm myself. I’m just gonna talk to him, not kiss him or anything. I can feel my cheeks getting warm by the thought of kissing him. This isn’t helping me at all. I lift my head looking for him, trying to find him in the crowd. My heart almost stops at the sight of him. What? Why is he all over her? Did I misread his signals on Friday? I really don’t understand. I find myself walking slowly towards him, he’s walking over to his friends. Without her, thank God! He’s breathtaking as always. I walk up to him, almost letting our bodys touch. I kinda want to make him to be a little uncomfortable. Just like he made me feel kissing that girl.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” 

I nod at his friends, trying to act cool. Lucas looks like he’s fallen from the moon. 

“You, you forgot this the other day.”

Lucas doesn’t say anything, he’s out of words. Why does he act like he doesn’t know me? It’s a little hurtful. 

“Hey, that’s my scarf. Where did you find it.” One of his friends breaks the silence. And Lucas looks like he’s panicking. 

“You found it… He… In the common room?”

I barely nod to answer the question, hate how he acts like he doesn’t know me at all. Hate it. 

“Thanks dude, it’s cool.”

“Your welcome, dude. Bye.”

Fuck, fuck, FUCK! This really didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. This sucks, big time! I feel like hiding now. Finding a place, just for me. I thought, I just thought he’d be happy to see me..

***  
I’ll just invite Lucille. I don’t want to come to the party alone. Especially now that I know Lucas probably will be there with HER. I can’t come alone and watch Lucas be all over that girl! Yeah, I know she’s called Chloé, but to me she’s that girl! 

 

Eliott (17.05): There’s a big party tomorrow at my school, wanna come?

Lucille (17.06): of course bby.

Eliott (17.06): it’s a costume party, so… 

Lucille (17.07): I know just what to wear ❤️

Eliott (17.08): ❤️

I’m walking home, I just want to be alone right now. Why did he kiss her? I really thought that we had a connection. As I walk over the bridge I look up, the streetlight looks awesome. Like the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s fucking cool. It’s art. I take a photo of my hand reaching for the sky, like I’m reaching for the light. It’s kinda what I want, to reach for the light. It would be best if I could just skip the darkness and jump to the light. But I know that it’ll be a bumpy ride before I come out at the other end of the tunnel. I post it on insta, like a reminder. A reminder of better days to come.

***

My hand is placed around Lucille’s waist like we’re used to. But the closeness doesn't give me any joy, just the mere comfort of hanging with someone who knows me, a friend. I really do care for Lucille, that’s probably why I haven’t told her yet. Told her that we’re over. Because either way, I don’t see us together much longer. And that scares the living shit out of me too. Especially with my problems, the stability she’s given me is kinda what’s gotten me through the rough patches. But I think maybe now’s the time to stand on my own two feet. And maybe, just maybe, Lucas can be there with me. 

We’re walking over to Lucas, I know I’m staring at him. My heart starts racing, and I can feel my whole body tense up.

“Hi dude..”

“Hi Eliott! Hi! Chloé.” 

Of course it’s Chloé who answers. Lucas is just standing there. Looking totally out of place. 

“Lucille.”

“Cool!”

“Hi.”

There, all the awkwardness is over with. I drag Lucille out on the dance floor, want him to see what he’s missing out on hanging with that girl. My body moves close to hers. We move together, laughing. It’s all so familiar, but it’s not where I want to be. It’s not her waist I want to tug my arms around. It’s a good thing Lucille doesn't know who I’m thinking of, cause right now she’d be really pissed. 

I can’t help but look at him, dancing close to that girl. His arms around her. Noses almost touching. My heart almost stops when he kisses her. His eyes are on me. Like he dares me to do something. Lucas, two can play this game, boy! My lips find Lucilles, but my eyes doesn’t leave him. It’s fucking intense. We can’t stop staring at each other. My heart is racing like crazy and my skin feels like it’s on fire. He does like me! Nobody can stare like that and not be into them. Neither of us want to stop looking, it almost feels like his lips are on me. Like it’s him who I’m kissing. Damn it’s hot. My body really is affected by this, I can feel it getting a bit tight in my jeans. Lucille would be furious if she knew why. She wouldn’t be able to forgive that. And to be fair, this isn’t very nice. I shouldn’t use her like this. I should be honest. My whole body freezes when the light is turned on. I have to pull away from his eyes, even though I don’t want to. 

“Everybody out!”

It’s caos, everybody cares for themselves. I start running and keep my eyes on Lucas. This is it, this is my chance to hang. Talk! And maybe… Just maybe! Damn he’s cute standing there looking for his friends, probably. I grab his arm and pull him towards me. I can see he’s confused, and maybe a bit relieved? We run hand in hand, so to speak. Out of breath when we reach the wall. Fuck he’s gorgeous, breathing heavy and just staring at me. Smiling, that cute smile. My heart is melting. And I can’t help but laugh. It feels like bubbles inside me, and I can’t hold it back.

“Fuck, that was close”

“Shall we go? I’ll walk you home.”

My whole body freezes, hoping he’ll let me. Hoping he’ll understand, that I like him a bit more than I like my friends. 

“Okay.”

I can feel the butterflies inside my stomach, it feels like they’re trying to come out. My whole body tingles, like when I’m high. But I’m not sick, not now. I’m in love, or at least falling in love. I’m walking as close to Lucas as I dare, without being weird. What would happen if I tried to take his hand. Would he freak out? I just have to know what’s going on with him and Chloé. If he likes her, I’ll back off. Maybe.

“Things are moving fast between you and.. Chloé.”

“Yeah she’s cool. I don’t know like… she’s way to into me, it’s stressing me out.”

There, that’s what I was looking for. He’s not that into her, he’s not! I can’t stop smiling, I feel like I’m floating, like my feet are not touching the ground. 

“How about you and Lucille? Have you been together long?”

“Yeah, a while.”

“It shows. It’s cool. She seems awesome.”

“Yeah she’s pretty great.”

He wants to know about us as well. I kinda have to tell him how I feel. Don’t I? Maybe not about him, but definitely about her. This freaks me out, but I have to tell him.

“But... I think we’re near the end.”

I can feel his eyes on me, like what the fuck did you just say?

“I don’t know, our relationship is going in circles. I don’t know if I still want that.”

My heart almost stops when I say those words. It’s the first time I’ve admitted it to myself. Even though I’ve been thinking it lately, I’ve just pushed it away. And now it’s out there, and I can’t unsay it. 

“To be in a relationship?”

“No, I do want to be in a relationship.”

Letting it sink in, hoping he will understand.

“So, you see yourself with a new girl straight away.”

“Yeah.”

No! I don’t want another girl. I want you! 

“Not necessarily a girl, though.”

Looking into his eyes, he’s got to understand now, right? I’ve put it all out there. My heart, my soul and my thoughts. I hope he gets it, cause this is freaking me out. Not knowing what’s next. 

“We’re here.”

He stops right in front of me. Looking up, kinda leaning into me. 

“So this is where we say goodbye, then?”

I can’t stop staring at him, I want to kiss him so bad. I wonder if he’d kiss me back? Starting to lean towards him, when...

 

“Hi.”

Right then and there I could have killed that girl. I’m sure we would have kissed if it wasn’t for her… I’m sure! I can feel my body tingle, my blood rushing through my veins. I’m having trouble breathing, he’s so fucking beautiful!


	5. Lui

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are we ready for the first kiss?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really loving this season three of skam France. Hope you’ll enjoy this one😝
> 
> Have to thank my girls for reading and commenting... You’re the best❤️ @irisS, @nattergal and @skamsnake❤️

He’s texting me. What do I answer? Yesterday Lucille had a fit when she couldn't find me. She sent me lots of angry texts. And still I don’t regret a thing, I kinda feel guilty for not being honest. For not telling her what’s going on. For using her. 

Lucas: Last night was cool… Are you doing anything this afternoon?

Eliott: Yeah, last night was nice.

I hate that I’m not free today, but I have to make it up to Lucille. She deserves that at least. Even though every cell in my body wants to be with him, only him. I can’t, not now.

Eliott: But I’m busy today. Sorry. See you Monday.

Fuck! Now I’m in trouble. My feelings are killing me. I haven't been without Lucille after I got diagnosed. She’s kinda been my rock. And now I don’t want her to be. And that scares the living shit out of me. 

***  
Everything is messed up today. How is it possible to feel something in my heart but my mind kinda doesn't agree? Or, maybe it does? I feel so happy that I met Lucas, but my mind doesn’t agree today. I’m so scared. Scared of fucking up! Scared of myself! So freaking scared of failing. What if I’m not able to handle myself and my illness? What if Lucille is the only one who can help me? NO! That can’t be it… I’m able to take care of myself! I just have to get my mind on board. I just have to convince myself. I draw a picture of it, my brain, inside a jar. With the caption; lost and found. I really feel lost sometimes, and this drawing is a perfect illustration of how I feel today. I post it on insta as a reminder of how I’m feeling right now. Not everyday is easy, but I know I’ll be found again. I know it’ll all work out, it has to...

***  
Daphnè approached me and asked if I could help with the mural. When she said Lucas is helping, I was sold. Of course I’m gonna offer my help when it involves Lucas. I’d be stupid not to! Now I have a chance to get to know him. I just love it. I have to text him, see how he feels. And set a date. 

Eliott: Daphnè told me you want to help with the mural.

I can see that he’s seen it, but he doesn't answer. Maybe I should write something more, be bold. And just set a date. Make it official. I have to laugh at my own thoughts, I’m kinda being a bit weird now. Good thing it’s just me, and no one else can see what’s inside my head.

Eliott: That’s cool. Wednesday? 1 pm?

Lucas: Yeah, sure!

Yeah, sure?!? Maybe he’s not that interested. Maybe he’s just not feeling us. Was I reading too much into Friday night? I can feel myself freaking out a bit. I’m getting scared. This is so fucking scary! My heart is pounding so hard, it feels like it’s about to burst out of my chest. I try to calm down my breathing, I don’t know anything and a text isn’t the way to find out if anyone’s interested… Right?

***

“You what?!”

I can feel her eyes on me, and she’s making me feel small. Fuck! I just got to get her to understand that it’s okay. I’m not manic, I’m just in love. Okay… So, maybe Lucille isn’t the best one to tell that to.

“I’ve just been sleeping poorly lately…”

I really hope she believes me. Because I can't handle Lucille and my mum ganging up on me now. I need some space.

“Lucille, I’m so fuckings tired. Could you maybe come back later?”

I can see that she’s worried, but she agrees to let me sleep. And finally I’m alone.

I can see Lucas is texting me, but I can’t answer them now. I just can’t. My head is just a mess, and I can't deal with him right now. I just can’t deal with the uncertainty.

Lucas: I’m in the common room.

I start to cry when the message pops up on my phone. Fuck! I’m such an idiot, standing him up.

Lucas: Dude where are you.

My eyes are getting blurry from all the tears, I almost can’t read the text. Is he ever gonna forgive me? Will he be able to take me seriously?

Lucas: My eyes are bleeding from staring at the mural.

At least he’s trying to be funny, he’s able to make me smile a bit. But just a little bit, cause when I think of how he’s sitting there waiting for me. I just can’t stop crying.

My hands are searching Instagram for pictures, when it pops up it feels like it’s me. Barely able to keep my head up. “Man under water” I quickly repost the picture. I can feel the tears running down my cheeks as I post it. I feel so sad. So out of control. Like someone else is in charge. I’m really not feeling well right now. It feels like I’m in a dark cloud and right now I don’t know when I’ll be able to come out of it. Or even if I’ll ever come out… I try focusing my energy on drawing my feelings, my tears are still running down my cheeks. I feel so exhausted, like I’ll never be able to function again. Like nothing will be like I’m used to. I film myself and focus on my eye, it’s puffed from crying so much. I post both the film and the picture I drew. I really want everything to work out. But right now I don’t see it… I just have to focus, and make it to tomorrow. Just one more day. I can do that, right?

***

Everything is looking better today, I’m not that messed up in the head, sort of. Today my head is on my side, so it’s not that dark. Why is he standing there with her? It’s like every mistake I make leads him to her! Or at least it feels like that. I just have to hold my head up high and pretend I’m confident. Fake it till you make it...

“Hi!”

“Hi!”

Fuck I’m nervous, I didn’t think this would be this hard. She’s eyeballing me. Like, what are you doing talking to my man.

“Can I talk to you for five minutes”

“Go for it”

He looks at her and put his arm around her. Like he’s making a point of it. If you fuck up, I have options...

“Okay. I want to apologise for yesterday. I totally wanted to come, but I had a problem.”

I’m staring at him. Want him to know. Know that it’s not him, it’s me. But it’s not like I don’t want to be with him, I’m just a bit messed up… I have to take a breath, my head is killing me right now. 

“Shit, nothing bad I hope.”

I really don’t understand why she’s answering me, when I’m actually talking to him.

“No, it’s ok, it got better. So to say sorry, do you want to have a drink at my place tomorrow?”

I keep looking at him, hope that he’ll accept. Hope that he wants to hang out with me too. Hope...

“Joints, beers… You choose the music.”

We smile at each other. He knows what I mean, and he looks happy now. Then she interrupts… 

“Well, we were planning on having an evening just the two of us.”

My eyes shift to her. Wtf! Move away from my man! Hands off girl! I can feel the disappointment nagging at me. Why didn’t I just show up yesterday. Then this wouldn’t have happened!

“But, wait. We can have a double date. Like in the movies.”

Now I look at him. This is better than nothing. Right?

“And I know your girlfriend. I meet her at the infiltration party. She seems super cool. Lucille, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool. We can do it at your place.”

“Okay.”

“Cool.”

“Bye.”

“Bye it’s gonna be awesome.”

And I just walk away, his face told me everything I needed to know. I don’t like it when he’s with her. I was kinda hoping he’d be into me...

***

I’m feeling foolishly in love right now, just have to text him. Can’t stop myself. I know I’m in trouble now, I just know it!

Eliott: Lucille is “psyched” for the double date tomorrow. Lol

“Picture”

Lucas: We’ve got this to look forward to.

Eliott: Haha.  
It’s gonna be so much fun

He cracks me up, I just love that he has humour! He’s really funny and so fucking beautiful. My heart won’t stop racing and I can’t stop thinking about him. 

***

We’re sitting across from each other. I can’t help being in a bad mood. I’m pissed, and I’m really not able to hide it. And maybe I feel a bit bad for bitching at Lucille, but I just can’t help it. This wasn’t how I pictured this night. Far from it… I had it all planned. Just me and him, a joint and lots of good music. And maybe, just maybe, a little kiss. I feel myself blushing, hope no one notices. When the girls go to the bathroom I just know what I have to do. 

“Sorry, you shouldn’t have seen that. It’s just that I didn’t think the night would go like this.”

“What were you expecting to happen?”

“Well, I don’t know. What we’d planned, I guess.”

Looking deep into his eyes, taking a deep breath, I decide to be brave now. To just say it.

“I thought it’d be just the two of us.”

Waiting for him to respond, but he doesn’t.

“Didn’t you?”

I can see him nodding, before he answers. My whole body screams of joy.

“I did.”

“Come on, lets bounce.”

“What, now?”

“Yeah, while they’re not here. Let’s get out of here.”

“And go where.”

“You’ll see.”

When he smiles at me, I just know. I know he’ll follow me. I know he’ll come.

***

I’m feeling overwhelmed with happiness. My heart is racing as we run down the street. His laughter is so fucking adorable. It feels like my chest is about to explode with joy. 

I want to show him my place. I’ve never brought anyone there before. My body tingles in anticipation. Will he like it? Will he think it’s stupid?

“Wait, what are you doing?”

“Opening it. Come on.”

“Coming?”

He’s laughing while following me. I like that he just follows me, no questions asked. 

“I have to say it’s pretty nice.”

He pics up his phone, his battery’s dead. He looks kinda scared. Like he’s afraid of the dark.

“Well, come on. I’ll guide you.”

“You’re guiding me?”

“Yeah, come.”

We’re laughing. It’s kinda cosy, walking beside him in the dark. It’s intimate. I feel like I’m showing him a piece if my soul, a piece I’ve never shown anyone before.

“Do you come here often?”

“Yeah. It’s my favourite place in the city.”

“Do you hear how quiet it is?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s a shelter. It’s where I come when I want to be alone.”

“So you bring people to the place where you want to be alone?”

“No, but this is special. I don’t usually bring anyone. You’re the first.”

Hoping he'll understand. I’m actually showing him something nobody’s ever seen, You’re the first!

“Not even Lucille?”

“The first.”

I just keep smiling. I feel like I’m elevated outside my own body. I point my flashlight toward the opening.

“This is it.”

He looks shocked, and still kinda scared. I hope he’ll like it… I point the light in my face as I walk backwards

“Come.”

“Come on!”

“Come.”

I can’t wait to show him. I’m running, feeling a kind of childish joy. 

“Here, this is my place.”

I’m moving the light around.

“Do you like it?”

I really hope so, I hope he likes it!

“Thanks for having me over. he jokes.

I switch off the light. Need to collect myself. 

“Do you really like it.”

I keep moving around Lucas. I turn on the light while moving closer to him. Touching him. Whispering in his ear.

“Are you scared?”

He’s making funny faces trying to convince me that he’s not.

“Me, scared?”

“Not scared. Not scared. Not scared.”

I’m playing with the light, circling around him.

“Not even a little bit? By the weird guy?”

I keep circling… I like being here with him. And this… This is my way of flirting. I hope it works.

“A weird guy…”

I switch off the light again. Everything is dark. I can hear him calling out for me. His voice is a little worried.

I turn on the light, lighting up my face. 

“It’s not funny.”

“Oh, Yeah. Still not scared?”

“Still not.”

“And right now?”

Walking closer to him, my heart is racing inside my chest. I can hear myself breathe.

“Still not scared.”

“Ok.”

“Well I won’t do it again anyway. Because you do seem a little scared.”

“That’s nice.”

He’s smiling, and it’s so fucking adorable. And then I turn off the light.

“Fuck, Eliott. Seriously.”

“Okay. I’m a bit scared.”

I switch on the light, walking towards him. Our bodies are close. Almost touching, I can feel the heat from his body. I lean in, almost kissing him, when I turn off the light yet again. Almost like I’m teasing myself too. I walk away from him. Hoping he’ll follow. I know he’ll follow. I could sense him wanting to kiss me as well.

“Eliott.”

I hear him inside, walking towards the opening. It’s started to rain outside. Like really rain. Soaking wet rain. I can feel my hair sticking to my forehead. Hoping I’ll see him soon. He has to follow me, right?

He stops just before the end of the opening. He’s standing there looking at me. He raises his hands, upwards. Just like in my movie. I walk towards him, placing my hands in his, it feels like electricity is running through us. Fuck I’m lost! He knows, he’s seen it… my movie. That’s when I know… know that he’s interested in me too.

I drag him out in the rain. It’s now or never, I have to be brave! My body almost combusts when our lips meet. The rain makes it even better. I love how my arms fit around his body, how good his hair feels in my hands. How good he feels. I don’t want to stop, I won’t stop. His hands are all over me as well. This moment, right here, is just perfect. It’s me and him, and nobody else. It’s just the two of us. Me and him. Lui!


	6. It’s just not Lucas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We’re standing outside, kissing....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been so bissy with life lately, so this one’s been taking way too long to finish. I’m kinda grieving cause skam France season 3 is over, but I’m looking forward to season 4 🖤
> 
> Hope you’ll enjoy this one...
> 
> Thanks to @skamsnake and @nattergal for all the help❤️ Love you big time ❤️

He’s on top of me, our bodies tangled together. We’ve been kissing all night. Letting our fingers explore each other’s body. I’m so incredible happy right now, we’re actually on the same page. We like each other. For real. His kisses are soft and passionate at the same time. I’m feeling dizzy cause Lucas is on top of me. And he’s so damn hot. His kisses sets my skin on fire, my heart is pounding and I’m short of breath. I just love to explore his body with my hands. Touching his jaw… my god he’s got a sexy jaw. I let my fingers carefully caress his face. I just want to feel all of him. Even our feet are intertwined, it’s funny how well we fit. 

“Am I your first?”

“My first what?”

“Your first guy.”

He smiles, doesn’t answer the question. Just laughs. My God he’s cute.

“Okay. I’ll take that as a yes.”

He still doesn't answer, just laughs shyly. 

“How about you?”

I raise my eyebrow, kinda wants to avoid the answer to this question. It’s odd, how neither of us want to answer this. But for completely different reasons. 

“Okay. I see.” he teases.

When our lips meet none of it matters. If we have or haven’t kissed another boy. Here and now it’s the two of us that matters. 

“What did you think the first time you saw me, in the common room?”

I didn’t see you for the first time in the common room…

“I thought: this one, I’m sure he’s afraid of the dark.”

I love how he’s so open, curious and kinda brave. He’s not feeling embarrassed or vulnerable to ask me stuff. He trusts me.

“I’m not afraid of the dark, Christ!”

I lift both my of my hands and hold his head, looking deep into his eyes.

“How would you have reacted, with a weird guy in a tunnel without light?”

I can’t help but touch his hair, smile at him. He’s absolutely adorable lying there on top of me. And his hair is such a beautiful mess. Frames his lovely face. 

“The first time I saw you wasn’t in the common room.”

His hand is playing with my hair, his fingers buried deep into it. I love it when he touches me, my whole body tingles in anticipation. 

“It was in the corridor, on my first day. I didn’t know anyone and you were there, with your friends. You didn’t see me…”

He shakes his head, I knew he didn’t see me. But my whole world turned upside down the moment I saw him. 

“But I saw you. You're all I saw actually.”

I’m flipping him around, so that I’m on top of him. I feel like being in control now. I’m kissing him deeply, letting my lips move down his body. Starting at his neck. Letting my tongue slip out, just a bit, for every kiss I make. He’s breathing heavily, arching his body toward me. 

“What would you have done, if I hadn’t come to the common room? Or like… If I’d taken the bus before, or right after?” 

Nose touching.

“Maybe we’d never meet?”

Cuddling him.

“I’ll admit, it’s kinda scary.”

“Well it happened in the end, so…”

Hugging him.

“You know, when I have a choice to make… I always picture two paths. I end up choosing one of them, because I have to make a decision at some point. But I never know what I missed by not taking the other one.”

I lay my head on his back.

“It drives me insane.”

It really does, it’s freaking me out not knowing where the other path would take me.

“And right now, do you not feel like you took the right path?”

“I do, of course I do.”

I kiss him on his back.

“When I make a choice, I tell myself there are other Lucas’es, in other parallel universes who took the other path.”

I lift myself up.

“That way, between all the Lucas’es in the world, we’ve tried everything.”

“What are the other Lucas’es doing, now?”

“Right now?”

And Lucas keeps fantasising about every Lucas in the world. What they’re doing and what they look like. Where they live. While kissing me. His lips are mesmerising, they make my whole body feel like jello. He keeps talking while I kiss down his neck. His stomach. My hands keep touching his body. I just can’t help myself. He’s so gorgeous. 

“Have you never thought about that?”

“I don’t really believe it to be honest…”

Our lips meet. His body keeps moving against mine. We’re kinda letting our bodies do the talking. Moving towards each other, getting to know each other. Just letting go.

“Well you’re wrong. You’re wrong, because there are plenty of Lucas’es and Eliott’s in other parallel universes. Who are together, right now.”

I can feel my phone buzzing, hate that something drags us out of our bubble. I hate it!

“Is it Lucille?”

Oh my god, she’s pissed! Like really pissed. And probably a little bit worried. She doesn't know where I am. And what I’m doing. Ahhhhh!

“Fuck, I’m so dead! You know what? Eliott number 452 can go talk to her, huh? I’m staying here.”

“Yeah? Well Lucas number one is very, very happy about that decision.”

We can’t help but smile. We know that I have to leave at some point, but for now I’m staying. 

When I wake up, Lucas is still sleeping. His hair is all messy, and he look so peaceful. He's just adorable. He kinda reminds me of a hedgehog. His breath is stedy, and the sheets are slightly pulled down. I can see his bare chest, he’s really sexy like this. I know I have to go now, I can’t keep putting off the talk with Lucille any longer. I have to do this the right away. I can’t start something before I’ve finished what I’m doing now. I leave him a sketch, so that he knows I’d stay if I could. I really want to lie down beside him, put my arms around him and just stay there. But I can’t. I lean in kissing his forehead before leaving. I will be back, it’s gonna be alright. I just have to talk to her. 

I’m not afraid, I’m not afraid, I AM NOT AFRAID! Or, am I? Maybe this scares me a bit more than I’d like to admit. I’m scrolling through insta, laughing a bit when I see my post “double trouble”. It really was trouble… I guess both of the girls are pissed right now. I can’t stop smiling when I press the picture from yesterday. “There was a star riding through the clouds one night, and I said to the star; consume me.” 

This thing between me and Lucas does consume me, badly. I’m so hopelessly in love with him. It’s kinda scary. NO! I’m not afraid. My hand’s drawing some water drops on a piece of paper. “Pas peur” I’m not afraid!

***  
“Eliott! You really think this is real? I can see that you’re spiralling now! I know it… I just know it…”

Tears are running down her cheeks, I don’t know what to do right now. Before I would comfort her, now it feels wrong. I know I’m not manic, I know it’s real. I know i'm falling for him, bad! 

“This isn't me being manic, Lucille… This is me falling in love… Sorry…”

I whisper the last words, my stomach hurts. I’m feeling nauseous, I think I’m I gonna throw up. This is killing me. I feel so bad for Lucille, but I know this is right. I know this is the right thing to do. I know it!

The silence is killing me, but neither one of us wants to talk. We just sit there, looking at each other. We’re both crying. Tears running down our cheeks. Fuck, I hate hurting her. She’s really been a rock throughout my sickness. 

“Is this it, Eliott?”

“Yeah… I think so.”

“You really think Lucas will be able to handle all your up’s and down’s?”

Her words really hurts me, like a stab to the heart.

“Yeah, I really do believe that…”

She shakes her head and takes her coat.

“I know this is just an episode, you don’t love him. I’ll be here when you realise that he means nothing to you… I’ll be here! We’ll just call this a break.”

I shake my head, feeling quite bad right now. But it’s not true. She doesn’t know how I feel… She can’t know!

“Lucille… It’s over.”

I give her a hug as she leaves. And the funny thing is that I’m not sad. I’m so fucking excited for me and Lucas. He can get to know me now! All of me. I can tell him everything, we can share everything.

***

Lucas has been texting me… But right now isn’t the best time to deal with it. I just have to end things properly with Lucille. I owe her that. So no interruptions from Lucas right now. But his texts are at least making me smile. He’s just adorable!

 

***

This is just killing me, she’s been at our place every day since Sunday now. Why can’t she just accept that we’re over. I’m exhausted, it feels like I’ve been hit by a train. But now we’re kinda at the end, me and Lucille. Everything will change now. I’ll have to rely on myself, can’t keep using her. I have to be able to stand on my own two feet! I know I can do it, and I do have Lucas…

“Don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be alright!”

 

***  
Look out the window Lucas.

Finally! He looks kinda confused, but he’s just adorable.

I raise my eyebrow, hoping he’ll come. I can’t wait to tell him… Everything. Yes! I can see he’s packing his backpack and getting ready to leave. My body tingles of joy. I just can’t wait to hug him, kiss him and hold him in my arms. I can’t wait.

He looks a bit angry walking toward me. But I don’t care. He’s probably pissed that I didn’t answer him, at all, the last days. Everything’s gonna be okay now. 

“Hey.”

I kiss him, I just have to. It’s been way too long since our last kiss. It feels like forever.

“Come on, let's get out of here.”

I start walking, but he pulls me back.

“Wait, wait. I still have two hours left. I can’t skip.”

Then I’ll just tell you here.

“I told Lucille about us.”

Why doesn't he look happy, what’s wrong?

“Aren’t you happy?”

“Yes I am. I just don’t want you to be sad or that it’d be my fault.”

“I’m not sad.”

I’m leaning in against him, smiling. Letting our noses touch. I’m so fucking happy right now. I just want to scream it out so everybody knows.

“You swear?”

Nodding.

“Mhmm...”

I lean back a bit. Just want to know how he’s feeling about us. Dealing with us.

“And you, are you telling your parents about us?”

He’s nodding, still kinda serious.

“Yeah. My father feels guilty about leaving us alone to deal with everything so… he won’t have much to say. And my mom is crazy, so I don’t give a shit.”

Crazy. I can feel something a change inside me. I take a deep breath, don’t really know what to say. I’m crazy too. I know I’m not smiling anymore, it feels like something’s breaking inside me. 

“What do you mean crazy?”

“She thinks that the apocalypse is upon us and that Jesus sent her to earth to save us all.”

I can’t deal with this, I just can’t. He’s not saying what I need to hear. He’s never gonna accept me. I just know it. Or…?

“But don’t worry, I don’t talk to her.”

That’s not what worries me.

“I’m not worried, and why don’t you talk to her?”

“Because I don’t need crazy people in my life.”

I’m crazy! I’m really crazy! Fuck! I can’t breathe, it feels like everything turned black. 

“So I’m a hedgehog?”

He’s showing me the drawing. I don’t know what to say. I’m fighting back tears. Just swallowing. Trying to collect myself. 

“You’ll be late for class”

He’s leaning in for a kiss, but I stop him. Just ruffle his hair, and walk backwards. Away from him. I was wrong. It’ll never work. He’ll never be able to be with me now. Lucille was right.

My feet can’t move fast enough. I can feel the tears on my cheeks. Not afraid, I’m not afraid! It feels like I can’t breathe. Something inside me is shattered. I could feel it breaking during my talk with Lucas. I just can’t take it. I’m so fucking stupid, believing this could work!

I have to draw. It helps me clear my head. Helps me express how I feel. Helps me deal with life, kinda. I’m drawing a wall, with my head popping up behind it. I’ll never open up for anyone like that ever again. It’s just too painful. I’ll just go back to Lucille, at least she’ll have me… 

***

Lucas: It’s done. I told my roommate.

Eliott: That's cool I’m happy for you. Sorry, I can’t tomorrow. Actually I think I need some time. It’s not your fault, but… maybe it’s going a little too fast for me. Forgive me.

The tears are making my cheeks wet, this isn’t what I want. This isn’t what I imagined when we were lying in bed saturday morning. Not what I was imagining when I broke up with Lucille. I hate it! I hate everything right now! I’ll have to go back to Lucille. She’s good for me when I’m hurting. And I’ve never hurt like this before. 

***

Eliott: Lucille, can we talk? I’m so sorry for breaking up with you… I love you❤️

Lucille: I’m coming over.

I know she’ll forgive me. She always does. She’s too freaking good. And she loves me. Do I love her? Of course I love her, just not as a girlfriend. She’s more like a sister. But at least she loves me… So, is this it? Is this what my life’s supposed to be like. Alone, together with Lucille? Cause that’s what I am. Alone! My heart’s racing, I’ve just got to deal with this. Nobody’s ever gonna love me like her, nobody will be able to love me. I’m nothing. Nobody. I try to calm myself down. Try to convince myself that this is for the best. Lucas doesn't want to have people like that in his life. Me and Lucille have worked before, so why not now? It feels like I’ve lost, like I’m just settling. I can feel the tears running down my cheeks, and my whole body is hurting. It’s so fucking painful to put someone else first, but Lucas will never be able to live his life with someone like... me.

***

Her hands are cuddling my hair, she’s kissing my mouth. I’m trying to smile, I’m trying to seem a bit happy. 

“I knew it! I knew that this was just a phase. I just knew it!”

I can’t breathe. I can feel my chest tightening. I’m not getting enough oxygen! I don’t know how to respond, I can’t be honest. Then she wouldn’t take me back. Then I would be alone, all alone. Nobody can love someone like me, not really… I’m just a liability… Stop it, just stop it, Eliott! My hands find their way around her waist. I have to make this work. I just have to!

Lucille is lying in my bed, she’s finally fallen asleep. Now I have some time, just for me. I’m sitting at my desk, drawing. Can’t help but draw a hedgehog and a racoon, we’re both crying. We’re both unhappy. Then I draw another, one where we’re hugging each other. Lucas nr.23 and Eliott nr. 357, he’s the one who doesn't have bipolar disorder. He’s the one who gets to live the life I wanted. I’m crying again, can’t help it. Is this how my life’s supposed to be? Is this it? I rip up the paper. Can’t keep doing this to myself. Can’t let this get me down. I’m forcing my hand, have to draw something real. Something I can have. Something that’s not out of reach. I’m drawing the two of us, me and Lucille. Snap a photo of it and press send. Fake it till you make it...

***  
We’re standing outside, kissing. Me and Lucille, she just had to go to this party. I think she wanted to show everybody that the two of us are okay. Still going strong! My lips are practically glued to hers, my hands automatically finds their way around her waist. It’s not unpleasant, it’s just not Lucas! I can be happy with her, right?


	7. I can’t breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season three through Eliotts eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has been a tough one to write. Real life kind a needs me to be present right now😝 And, it’s bern a couple of remakes that’s captured my heart, so Matteo’s been me for a while. 
> 
> Hope you’ll enjoy it❤️
> 
> Thanks too @skamsnake for your comments. Love you bby❤️

My eyes are heavy, but I just can't seem to sleep. My head is going into overdrive. Trying to understand why this is for the best. I’ve been back and forth all weekend. Just not agreeing with myself. Lucille’s hands are cuddling my stomach, lacy movements up and down. She looks so happy, here, with me. Is it fair? Is it really fair to string her along, letting her believe I’m into her? She deserves something real, someone who loves her. I’m not that someone, I’ll never make her happy. I’ll never be able to love her like I love Lucas. Fuck! My hands tightens the grip, I don’t want to let go. I just want to feel, something. Even if it’s not real, even if it’s not fair. Even if I’m fooling myself. I just want to belong to someone. I can feel Lucille relaxing into my hands, like she’s feeling content. Her head is resting on my chest, and I can hear on her breath that she’s not far from sleeping. When she falls asleep I lean in and kiss her hair, before tugging her in. I move out of bed, silently. Don’t want to wake her up. She looks so peaceful now. Like nothing in the world is bothering her. I don’t want to be the reason for her pain. But I know I will be, i know I’ll hurt her. A tear runs down my cheek. I can feel how it’s slowly travelling down towards my mouth, tasting the saltiness on my tongue. I’m so fucked right now! Not able to be with the man I love and not willing to fake a life with Lucille. My hand runs through my hair probably making it wild and messy, but I don’t care. I don’t care about anything when I can’t be with Lucas. 

 

***

I’m leaning against the wall, trying to tune out everything. The music from my phone is making everything around me fade away. It’s just me and whoever’s playing that matters. Right now it’s Nirvana’s “come as you are”, I’ve been listening to that kind of music ever since Lucas told me he like that. It’s not really my cup of tea but it reminds me of him. My boy… Or at least he was my boy! That's when I see him. He’s walking across the schoolyard. It feels like my heart skipped a beat when my eyes land on him. My breath hitches and I feel like everything else but me and him tunes out. I can only see him! He doesn’t look like himself, he seems down. His hoodie pulled over his head and his eyes… They are so cold, or… Maybe sad? That’s when I notice his hand is covered in bandage. Not like a small innocent bandage, this one almost covers all of his hand. What happened to his hand? Did he get into a fight? Is he hurting? My heart is beating really fast, can’t help but worry. Hope everything’s okay. I can feel my heart hurting for him. He doesn't walk over to his mates and I don’t think he sees me. Probably for the best, cause I don’t think he trusts me right now. I do understand that last bit, cause he doesn’t understand why I don’t want- can’t be with him. He doesn't know what’s happening in my head. Why can’t this be easy, why do I have to be sick? I’m not worth anything! I’m a nobody! Lucas probably doesn’t know if he can trust me. But he can! I wouldn’t tell anyone about him. I’m not like that! I can see he stops to talk to Daphné, and suddenly all the sounds are back! It hits me like a slap in the face. Overwhelms me, Nirvana’s “in bloom” is all I can hear. “I don’t know what it means…”. I feel like finding a place to hide, don’t like how he’s able to set me off guard without even being with me. I can’t breathe. I lean against the wall, feeling my knees giving out. I don’t realise that I’m on the floor before someone asks me if everything’s alright. That’s when I decide to talk to him, explain everything. Maybe he’ll understand or at least he’ll know!

***

I can see him, in the cafeteria. Trying to decide what food to get. I sneak in behind him, cause I really have to talk to him. I can’t help myself. I can see him noticing me, but I just keep acting normal. He ignores me. 

“If I were you, I’d take both.”

I can’t take my eyes away, he’s just so breathtakingly beautiful. 

“Sometimes you have to choose.”

He looks so hurt, and my heart just keeps on breaking. I thought it couldn’t hurt any worse, but I was wrong. Just looking at him makes me want to put my arms around his neck and tell him that everything’s gonna be okay. That me and him are gonna be okay! Why can't i just say that…? 

“Do you think that, in the kitchens, they…”

I try to just act normal and keep on talking… But he cuts me off.

“Sorry, I can’t do this.”

He walks into the eating area and looks around before putting his tray away and just walking out! Fuck I’ve made a mess out of this thing between us! I find a place that's empty, put on my earplugs trying to tune out the rest if the world. Don't want to talk to anybody right now. I keep my hands busy, trying to draw my feelings. It’s the only thing that I know will help when my head is a mess. The only thing… “Eliott n°25473 doesn't take the opportunity.” Why can’t this be easier, why does everything have to be such a struggle? “Eliott n°34512 runs towards his fate”. Wish that could be me.. I’m such a coward. 

***

I don’t want him to see me, feeling like a fool sneaking around to put this drawing into his pocket. Will he understand? That this thing isn’t his fault, it’s me… I’m sick and that won’t change, ever. I’ll be like this forever! And he doesn’t want people like me in his life, he said so… Tears are running down my cheeks. Maybe if I can be better, the two of us would work. Maybe if he doesn't know. Maybe I can hide it! I freaking hate myself right now! Wishing I was normal… wishing I was good enough for Lucas. I pull my hoodie over my head before walking out into the schoolyard. Turning up Riopy’s “I love you” imaging him playing it to me, remembering that feeling he left me with. That was when so knew… I knew I loved him...

 

***

Why doesn't he reply to my drawing, I really thought he would… Haven’t he seen it yet or is he over me for good? 

I can’t keep waiting like this… Can’t put my life on hold for him to answer me. I don’t blame him, he probably didn’t understand why I didn’t want to be with him. And now I keep sending him mixed signals. I know that… But it’s so hard not being with him. Maybe I should write him a note, try to explain. 

I just don’t know what to write. Should I be honest? Should I tell him everything? Then he could decide…

I keep trying to write, but everything keeps coming out like a drawing. Me, writing and throwing it in the bin. That’s all I can manage today. That’s all my heart can cope with. I don’t know how to find the right words, and maybe a letter isn’t the right way to tell him? Fuck!

I post the drawing on insta, feeling as discouraged as the raccoon in the drawing. Why can't this be easy? 

 

***

I can’t keep stringing Lucille along anymore, I have to tell her. I have to be honest with her. Can’t keep lying to her. It’s not fair.

Eliott: Can you come by my place after school?

Lucille: Of course! I’ll be there at five o’clock, okay?

Eliott: perfect! See you then.

Lucille: ❤️

My hands are shaking, and I can feel my heart and my breathing really hard. I swallow, trying to keep myself calm. I’m not sending her a heart, not today, not when I know I’ll hurt her later. Can I manage this alone? My life. I’ve never actually been alone, and that’s freaking me out. 

***  
“Just stop it! Don’t do this Eliott! You’re not well, this isn’t you speaking…”

Her eyes are filled with tears, I feel like throwing up right now. I keep swallowing, hoping that the nausea will stop. Don’t like hurting someone I love. Cause I do love her, just not the way she wants me to. My eyes are filled with tears as well, this isn’t easy for either of us.

“Lucille, don’t! I’m not sick. I just don’t feel the way you want me to. I don’t love you like that anymore.”

She puts her hands over her ears, don’t want to listen to me anymore. I stop talking, it won’t help right now. It’s better to just let it sink in.

“You’ll change your mind, you always do…”

Her hands have slid down in front of her eyes. I don’t know what to do. If I comfort her she might think that I didn’t mean what I just said. I just lay a hand on her shoulder and kind of squeeze a bit. I can hear her sobbing, and she lifts her head looking directly at me. Her eyes are cold now. Like she’s trying to cope with this by building up a wall, not letting this affect her. But since she was crying just a minute ago I’m not really buying it.

“If you wait too long, Eliott, I won’t be here…”

Then she gets up and runs out before I’m able to answer her. My heart is pounding so hard, it feels like I’m going to faint. Hoping this will get better, that everything will somehow work itself out.

Looking at the photo of me and Lucille… Or the one I drew, it’s not what I want on my wall! I kinda hesitate before deleting, cause now a chapter of my life is gonna end. Will I manage to do this on my own? Can I maybe show Lucas that I’m not THAT sick? I could quit my meds, show him that I’m normal. Really, Eliott! Get yourself together. Quitting my meds are never a good plan! My head is barely over water right now. I’m not okay. I won't be until me and Lucas talk things over. I find this picture of a man hugging a male statue, and it makes me think of Lucas. Everything makes me think of him. He consumes every single moment of my day. “In case you ever foolishly forget: I’m never not thinking of you.” My heart is racing, hoping Lucas will find my Instagram and finally get it! Understand that he’s all I ever wanted. The only one!


End file.
